Two days in a row now Isabel has had one of her rages. I used to refer to them as breakdowns, but today it occurred to me that she's raging, not just emotional. She bites, hits, scratches, kicks, punches... you name it. And always over something minute. It's so hard to deal with. It's so hard to stay calm and wait it out. But I have to physically restrain her until she wears herself down. I try to keep myself calm, and keep my touch as light as possible, but it's SO hard. I just don't know what to do with this girl. Most of the time, she is so wonderful. I don't get it! I used to yell at her a lot more, and she got more spankings than she certainly ever deserved, so I can't help but know that I have at least contributed to this, if not caused it. Whether through genetics or example, she gets it from me. And I have to live with that. I've gotten much much much better at controlling my temper, but she's just a little girl. I don't know how to now teach her to get control back when she's losing it. I'm considering taking her to a specialist maybe. Just a thought I had today if it doesn't get better. I don't think she's ever done it two days in a row. Yesterday the tirade lasted for a good 45 min. Today was only about 20. *sigh* But now she's happy as a clam. So no permanent damage done.
I don't know what I did to deserve these kids. I've definitely been harder on Isabel than on the others. I'm trying to fix that, but it's really hard. I wonder if all she's going to remember of me when she gets older is me yelling or telling her to clean. I'm trying to remember the fun. Trying to remember to have fun things for them to do. I stink at this game.
My Heart Will Go On
4 months ago