Good times...

Oh my goodness did I have a good time this last week. I got to go to a yummy restaurant with some girlfriends and then I got to celebrate the 3rd birthday of MOM. Totally awesome. =) And THEN I went with some friends to a karaoke bar after the party. That was a super good time. I miss getting to go dance and all that like we did in college. So I really enjoyed myself. Made a fool of myself, too, but that' nothing new. And I'm pretty sure the only reason I was invited was because I had given one of the ladies there a ride to the party, and she wasn't sure how to tell me she didn't need a ride home because she wasn't going home, etc. But I had fun anyway. =) I'm trying force myself into more situations that typically make me uncomfortable and self-conscious. It's really hard sometimes, but I think it's important to do. So I went. I laughed. I danced (poorly). I just had a good time.

I didn't get up and sing (which is perfectly okay because I'm a lousy singer) but I keep hearing songs and thinking how fun they would be to hear at a karaoke bar. And maybe one day I'll even sing one of them... as long as I have some friends join me. Seriously. I'm BAD at singing.

So there ya go. I hope this week is as fun as last week was. =)

Peace.

My "Fit"

So yesterday I was chatting with a friend about how we moms can very easily lose ourselves as we become Mom. And we talked about the things you can do to reconnect with yourself. Finding your style, making your health/fitness a priority, finding hobbies, and most importantly, finding friends. Our girlfriends can be our life-line when we're sinking down into the motherhood vortex. Some women don't ever seem to have a problem with knowing who they are and what they need to stay sane and happy. Others of us don't have it so easy. And, of course, there are several different levels of disconnect.

So friends can be our saviors. (and our husbands, but honestly I think girlfriends help more) I have come a long way with finding who I am, but I still have so so far to go. I'm much happier than I once was. But it's still a struggle.

For the most part, I get along with pretty much everyone. But here's the problem. I have never in my life felt like I 'fit' anywhere. I don't have best friends. Mostly what I have are acquaintances. People that I enjoy being around, and seem enjoy my company. But they are not people that seek me out for the extra little things. Granted, part of that is my own fault, as I don't ask people to join me in things. But that's only because of that little bitty hidden part of my personality that I'm pretty sure very few people even see in me. I am very self-conscious and typically assume that people are nice to me only because they have to be. So it sort of feeds itself. I drive myself crazy. It's a very lonely world when you feel as though people only pretend to like you. And really, how do you know for sure that someone does enjoy being around you?

And it's because of this issue about not fitting in that I have been contemplating leaving my position (well, 3 positions) with MOM. It would break my heart to do it, but I can't help but wonder if they wouldn't be glad to see me gone. I've thought about this for a long time, but I haven't been able to come up with a solution. I would really like to someday have a group of friends that I 'fit' with. Maybe someday.

So I wonder how everyone else defines "friend" I think I have a different definition than most people. I think what most people consider a best friend is what I think of as just a regular friend. I can only think of one person that I would consider a best friend. But a friend is someone you can talk to about pretty much everything. They know a lot about you, they put effort into the friendship, they read between the lines and notice when you're struggling. Things like that.

Ugh! I hate when the big "D" sneaks up on me. It's so hard to fight your way out of it. Even being aware of it doesn't help. Maybe it's the lack of sunshine.

Changing it up...

Today I am NOT going to discuss boot camp (which kicked my ass on Monday) Nope. Today I'm going to branch back out into something that has nothing to do with fitness. The anticipation is giving you tingles, isn't it?

Now. Anyone have a topic? Oh, I guess I should have thought of that BEFORE I started this, eh? Oh well. We'll just improvise. I'm good at improv. But, my dear friends, are YOU?

So I guess this is going to be a 'freewrite' We used to do those in Soph English in HS. (WOW I'm lame) Basically a freewrite is, well, writing without rules. You're supposed to just write and if you get stuck you're supposed to write about being stuck until something pops into your head. You're also not supposed to use punctuation, but I just can't tolerate that, so I'm going to bend the rules a little. Hope you don't mind. And please, please, don't tell Mrs. B. Thanks.

I've been thinking about writing again lately. I've wanted to be a writer for a long time. So I thought to myself tonight that maybe I should write in my blog more. Maybe that will get the juices flowing. Maybe. It's not really working so far. hehehe Instead I'm just rambling away. I get the strangest urges to do things like writing sometimes. I don't know why. I'm not good at it. I get the urge to go take pictures, draw, cook a fancy meal, etc. It's very strange, and definitely sporadic. Maybe there's some creative part of me that's trying to break out. The walls are pretty thick though. LOL Seriously, I fail at ALL of these things. And all the others I try. Lame-o dudes. LAME-O.

Maybe I should just take classes in one of them? But that would mean picking something and sticking with it long enough to make it worthwhile. Yeah, that's not likely. Not likely at all. Sticking with something is something else I'm not so good at. =D

I better end it with that. I don't see this having a 'high' point to end on, so... *shrug*

Later, yo. Peace.

Confirmation

Yes people. We now have confirmation that, under these layers upon layers of chunk, I do in fact have abdominal muscles. I was starting to think that with each pregnancy they just stretched and ultimately shredded, then dissolved. I was wrong. How do I know this? Because they scream bloody murder at me every time I move. Mostly I consider that a good thing. Re-introducing myself to my abs is good. Right?

Monday's boot camp was okay. Not super, but okay. My bandanna weighed it's usual 15lbs by the end (no glistening in my family, just good old-fashioned sweat) and the dips made my arms a little weak, but otherwise it was just "meh" to me.

Wednesday was a whole nuther ballgame though people. It kicked my arse properly. My legs aren't as sore as I thought they would be (those buttbuster things on the exercise ball... wowzah). But my abs... OOOOHHHHH my abs. We only did two ab exercises, as opposed to the eighty-thousand leg exercises. But the were certainly effective. I haven't done the whole yourpartnerpushesyourlegsdownandyoustopthemfromhittingthefloor thing since HS volleyball. I don't rememer it hurting this much back then. Hmm. I wonder why that is... ;) And the punching thing was good because you have to hold yourself up long enough to punch both sides. So overall, the best ab day yet. I was a little sore when I woke up today, but overall, not TOO bad.

And of course I went to Body Pump today. Because I'm smart like that. But seriously I love body pump. LOVE it. I like to lift weights. Besides a killer ab track that I'll talk about in a minute... during the tricep track we did pullovers. Which can be a great ab workout too! YIPPEE!!! On the first one, and I loaded up the bar thinking that I really wanted to get a killer ab workout (I *heart* pullovers), and I....... almost dropped the bar. Because my abs burned SO bad. HOLY mother. Oh my word. *insert appropriate swear words (is that an oxymoron?) here* And then, after the wimpering finally subsided, came the ab track at the end of the workout. We did some SSSLLLLLOOOOWWWWW bicycles. owowowowowowowow And then... it got better! We go to do something like what you do with an ab wheel, only we use the bar/weights to, yes, you guessed it... roll out then back in. It was super.

So I kind of took the rest of today off. There was one point this evening when someone needed something (it's hard to remember specifics when this is how you spend your time...) I was sitting (slouching) on the couch and, I kid you not, I almost didn't make it up. I had my arms OUT IN FRONT OF ME trying to will myself into a sitting position. I don't think I had that much trouble when I was 42 weeks preggo w/Isabel. My kids just kind of looked at me like I was some strange and unknown vegetable that had been plopped on their dinner plates.

Oh the joys of boot camp. But at least I have found my abdominals again after a long-estranged relationship. =)

Peace.

Total Disappointment

I'm a little disappointed by Monday's BC. Parts of it really stunk while doing it. But I think that that was mostly because of the excessively dry air. But as soon as I was done, I wasn't really tired anymore. And today there's not a single part of me that is sore. So I'm kind of disappointed.

Okay. I'm disappointed that I'm not sore. Maybe I need a mental evaluation...? ;)

The whole kicking the wall thing was a pain in the arse. Seriously. But I'm not really feeling it today.
The ab part kicked my butt, so my abs should be screaming every time I move. But they're not.

Rats.

And I'm guessing that BC is canceled tomorrow. I can promise you that I'm not hauling my tushy anywhere.

Thank goodness for shoveling, right? At least it's a workout. And it's out in the fresh air. And I can throw snow on my kids. And bury them. And laugh a lot. I really hope Dave doesn't have to work tomorrow. If he's home, I can leave Alex home with him and take Isabel and Nate sledding. Now THAT is the best way to spend a snow day.

Peace.

Boot Camp

My bloggy friends Jessica and Megan reminded me that I haven't blogged for quite some time. So maybe I'll post on my experiences during boot camp, too. Nothing like stealing an idea. ;) Though, to be honest, I feel like mine will be from a different angle than theirs.

A little back-story...
1. I actually LIKE to exercise. I am just having a hard time finding the time/motivation to get my fat ass moving.
2. Related to #1, I was actually certified as a personal trainer for a while. So I know a little sumthin sumthin about exercise.
3. As someone that was formerly somewhat athletic, being fat has probably been the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with.
4. I've been going to the Y semi-regularly for a couple of years now. Not that that has given me any sort of leg up with Boot Camp. I haven't actually gone regularly for about 6-9 mo. So I'm pretty out of shape.

So day #1 wasn't too bad. We did some basic fitness tests that we'll compare on the last day of boot camp. Hopefully we will all have improved. I opted to push myself pretty hard so that I have a better indication of whether I actually improved or not. We shall see. I'm not feeling overly optimistic at this point. I mean, seriously, my belly flops more than my 'girls'.

My upper body was semi-soreish on Tuesday. I have a love/hate relationship with that feeling. Love it because I know I actually USED my muscles. Hate it because it makes the most basic things, like scratching my back for crying out loud, burn like crazy.

Today's run was harder, I thought. All that blasted sprinting just about did me in. Cold weather+asthma+interval training= asthma attack. SUPER. But I wheezed my way along, secretly hoping the lead person would take pity on the rest of us and slow her ass down. And somehow I ended up with the leader chick right behind me. Greeaaaat. So when I'm in front, I can't slow it down to what can barely be called jogging. No. I have to keep freakin jogging for real. Awesome.

And then came the real joy of boot camp. I had kind of planned on the whole running thing. Otherwise, I wasn't really sure what to expect. The whole progressive thing bit. Totally. I hate pushups. Of course that was the thing we did the most of. Don't really like dips either. But I did them (not with my legs straight though. SHH! Don't tell Jessica. Please. I'm begging. Don't tell her.) But the one thing that I really truely loathe with all of my being is burpies. SER-I-OUS-LY. I can see no physical benifit to burpies. I hated them in Jr/Sr High when I was actually in awesome shape (and looked damn good, I might add) And I hate them even more now as a fatty. Do you know what a burpie is? Well, just in case, I should tell you. You really need a visual, though, to get the full effect.

How to do a burpie:
1. Jump in the air w/ your arms up.
2. Land.
3. Squat down.
4. Shoot your legs out behind you to a pushup position.
5. Bring your legs back in.
*repeat*

Now here's the thing. I can do 1-4 okay. Some people have issues with #2, but we don't judge at boot camp. ;) It's #5 where I run into problems. I feel like my 1yo when he's standing back up after falling down. I never seem to make it back into that proper squat position. Instead, my legs are apart and only somewhat bent. And my ass is sticking way up in the air. Awesome. Really really awesome. Can't wait to do it again.

And I have one more word for you: CHAFING. My fat thighs rub together so much that it's starting to hurt! Okay. TMI. But that's the fun of boot camp. =D

Starting weight for BC: 175. Yuck. Ick. Blech.
Time to bring that baby down a bit.

Peace.

Again...

About a year and a half ago, my mother's brother took his own life. Yesterday, my dad's brother did the same.

I did not know either uncle well.

This uncle was a friend of mine on Facebook. However, I'm pretty sure that in the months of our 'friendship' there that I didn't even send him a note to say hi. How incredibly sad is that? I'm so very disappointed in myself for that. He suffered from a great depression (I guess we could say that's a given in this case) but I didn't take the time to let him know that I cared, even though I didn't really know much about him. And I can't go back and fix it.

The part that makes me angry with this is his wife. She has been intending to kick him out of the house (and not for the first time). She has sent emails to his siblings trying to find somewhere for him to go. He hasn't had a job for a few years. His wife apparently was constantly making fun of him for it. That's helpful. The last job he had... she made fun of it. I'm sure at some point he thought to himself that he should maybe seek help. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if the main reason he didn't was because SHE WOULD HAVE MADE FUN OF HIM for doing it.

Now, I'm not trying to say that all of the blame lays at her feet. Obviously it all really starts with him. Depression is just so hard to overcome, even more so when you don't have a solid support system. And let's face it. That's part of being married. I don't care if you aren't in love anymore or whatever. You still have an obligation and responsibility to be supportive. My dad kept in contact with him... calls, birthday cards, etc. It was very one-sided, but he still did it. But that's just not enough for someone so deep in depression.

I really would like to be like my dad in that way. To keep in touch, even if the other person doesn't really. It says a lot about him, I think. But that's just how my dad is. He has never, and I'm sure will never, held a grudge. He's friendly and respectful to everyone he meets. If they had lived closer, I'm sure my dad would have made every effort to include him in the things he was doing and just finding time to do things together. But when you're hundreds of miles apart, it's kind of tough.

*sigh*

I'm sorry, Uncle D. for not doing my part to let you know you had family to lean on. I will miss you.