Sunday, January 24, 2010

My "Fit"

So yesterday I was chatting with a friend about how we moms can very easily lose ourselves as we become Mom. And we talked about the things you can do to reconnect with yourself. Finding your style, making your health/fitness a priority, finding hobbies, and most importantly, finding friends. Our girlfriends can be our life-line when we're sinking down into the motherhood vortex. Some women don't ever seem to have a problem with knowing who they are and what they need to stay sane and happy. Others of us don't have it so easy. And, of course, there are several different levels of disconnect.

So friends can be our saviors. (and our husbands, but honestly I think girlfriends help more) I have come a long way with finding who I am, but I still have so so far to go. I'm much happier than I once was. But it's still a struggle.

For the most part, I get along with pretty much everyone. But here's the problem. I have never in my life felt like I 'fit' anywhere. I don't have best friends. Mostly what I have are acquaintances. People that I enjoy being around, and seem enjoy my company. But they are not people that seek me out for the extra little things. Granted, part of that is my own fault, as I don't ask people to join me in things. But that's only because of that little bitty hidden part of my personality that I'm pretty sure very few people even see in me. I am very self-conscious and typically assume that people are nice to me only because they have to be. So it sort of feeds itself. I drive myself crazy. It's a very lonely world when you feel as though people only pretend to like you. And really, how do you know for sure that someone does enjoy being around you?

And it's because of this issue about not fitting in that I have been contemplating leaving my position (well, 3 positions) with MOM. It would break my heart to do it, but I can't help but wonder if they wouldn't be glad to see me gone. I've thought about this for a long time, but I haven't been able to come up with a solution. I would really like to someday have a group of friends that I 'fit' with. Maybe someday.

So I wonder how everyone else defines "friend" I think I have a different definition than most people. I think what most people consider a best friend is what I think of as just a regular friend. I can only think of one person that I would consider a best friend. But a friend is someone you can talk to about pretty much everything. They know a lot about you, they put effort into the friendship, they read between the lines and notice when you're struggling. Things like that.

Ugh! I hate when the big "D" sneaks up on me. It's so hard to fight your way out of it. Even being aware of it doesn't help. Maybe it's the lack of sunshine.


Brooke said...

Lori, I know exactly how you feel. I unfortunately haven't got much of a chance to really get to know you (being so far out of town and crazy busy at times) there's not alot of events that I get to. I do know though what you're talking about with not knowing where you "fit in".

Crissy said...

Lori I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I somewhat understand what you're feeling (I don't feel the same way when you say no one would miss you if you left MOM).. I haven't really felt like I have my "group of girls" since I was in high school. Most of my really good friends are still single and/or without children ..and still living the partying lifestyle. So I don't feel like I "fit" there anymore. I still love those people and will for the rest of my life I'm sure. But I just don't "fit" in that group anymore. MOM has been a GREAT place for me because I am a mom now. I need advice. I need friends that understand that I may be a mom but I'm still me and I'm still fun! So to make a long story short... I'm still looking for my place to "fit in" too.. I'm with you on the sunshine thing though... I want more of this sunshine and less of this snow on the ground. I want flip flops and sun on my toes. I haven't really been to an event with you in a I'm glad I'll get to see you on Wednesday. Now turn that frown upside down!! (Sorry for writing a whole story on your blog comments lol)

Nicole said...

I've moved around alot and it's always hard finding new friends. I would miss you if you left MOM, but I'd totally understand if you did. I feel overwhelmed sometimes and wonder if I should let it go too.
BTW - I do enjoy your company - you're fun and witty.
Don't get too bent out of shape about people 'pretending' to like you. You are a very likable person and if someone doesn't like you for whatever reason they're missing out. :) I wouldn't let it drive you crazy.