My "Fit"

So yesterday I was chatting with a friend about how we moms can very easily lose ourselves as we become Mom. And we talked about the things you can do to reconnect with yourself. Finding your style, making your health/fitness a priority, finding hobbies, and most importantly, finding friends. Our girlfriends can be our life-line when we're sinking down into the motherhood vortex. Some women don't ever seem to have a problem with knowing who they are and what they need to stay sane and happy. Others of us don't have it so easy. And, of course, there are several different levels of disconnect.

So friends can be our saviors. (and our husbands, but honestly I think girlfriends help more) I have come a long way with finding who I am, but I still have so so far to go. I'm much happier than I once was. But it's still a struggle.

For the most part, I get along with pretty much everyone. But here's the problem. I have never in my life felt like I 'fit' anywhere. I don't have best friends. Mostly what I have are acquaintances. People that I enjoy being around, and seem enjoy my company. But they are not people that seek me out for the extra little things. Granted, part of that is my own fault, as I don't ask people to join me in things. But that's only because of that little bitty hidden part of my personality that I'm pretty sure very few people even see in me. I am very self-conscious and typically assume that people are nice to me only because they have to be. So it sort of feeds itself. I drive myself crazy. It's a very lonely world when you feel as though people only pretend to like you. And really, how do you know for sure that someone does enjoy being around you?

And it's because of this issue about not fitting in that I have been contemplating leaving my position (well, 3 positions) with MOM. It would break my heart to do it, but I can't help but wonder if they wouldn't be glad to see me gone. I've thought about this for a long time, but I haven't been able to come up with a solution. I would really like to someday have a group of friends that I 'fit' with. Maybe someday.

So I wonder how everyone else defines "friend" I think I have a different definition than most people. I think what most people consider a best friend is what I think of as just a regular friend. I can only think of one person that I would consider a best friend. But a friend is someone you can talk to about pretty much everything. They know a lot about you, they put effort into the friendship, they read between the lines and notice when you're struggling. Things like that.

Ugh! I hate when the big "D" sneaks up on me. It's so hard to fight your way out of it. Even being aware of it doesn't help. Maybe it's the lack of sunshine.